when seeing you just isn't good enough
by letsplayscrabble
Summary: [linstead oneshot] set right after 4x21 and that heart-breaking hug after she dropped off his birthday present because his girl was hurting and he knew he had to do something about it.


She felt the massive wooden door clang shut at her backside, the sudden finality of it all sending tears prickling to the edges of her hazel orbs though she couldn't quite lay a finger on why. It took her a moment to gather her bearings then, pacing back and forth in front of the bar's entrance like a damn lunatic, a few deep breaths and a few brushes of her fingers and her chewed up fingernails through her unruly waves before she figured it was time to stop dawdling and deal with it and finally head home to that cold and empty apartment and try to ignore the hoots and the hollers of celebration she'd so awkwardly and uncomfortably walked out on.

It wasn't that she didn't want to stay. Hell, it was the complete opposite. It was the fact that if she stayed and she downed that expensive liquor she'd convinced herself that she needed to drop off and blurred the entire case and those poor kids and that grief-stricken mother and that heart-wrenching guilt that threatened to swallow her whole while she stared at the dead body of that fourteen year old boy she'd shot and killed she wouldn't be able to crawl out of her signature dark hole and back to the people who'd already drug her out once and if she was being honest with herself she didn't think she would fight damn near as hard this time.

"Erin."

She'd made quite a bit of distance while lost in the mess of her head and her remorse, all the way down the sidewalk, around the corner of the joint and at this point she was nearly to her car before she heard him, wincing at the familiar way her name fell past his lips because let's be honest it still made her knees weak and her heart flutter in all the right ways because just a few weeks ago he used to moan it in her ear and whisper it in his sleep before he pulled her tighter against his chest and as much as she needed him to hold her right now and to smell the familiar fabric of his henley mixed with her favorite leather jacket she had already given him his birthday present and graciously ducked out opting last second for the kiss on the cheek and it had probably been too much but she really didn't know how she was supposed to behave around him anymore except that it was his birthday and she wanted him to know that she would never stop caring but now it was time for her to face the music and deal with the repercussions of her actions on her own because he had packed a duffel bag and left his side of the bed empty and way too many t-shirts in her drawers and those nasty protein shakes he obsessed over in her refrigerator and she still hadn't found it in her to toss them into the trash even though she was pretty sure he wasn't coming back to get them.

But she still stopped walking, hesitantly turning to face him and his expectant blue eyes and the adorable crease of concern in his forehead and she desperately wanted to reach out and smooth it away with the tips of her fingers and pull him closer and brush her lips against his in a proper 'happy birthday' but then she remembered that little boy lying dead in the morgue and how it was absolutely all her fault that his mother would never get to see him grow up and maybe have a second chance at a better life and she tried to take Hank's words of comfort to heart but they hadn't stuck and so she nibbled on her bottom lip and shook her head and he took another questioning step towards her and she finally let the tears fall because this time it was just the two of them and they'd always been honest with each other and she couldn't keep it together any more.

He rested his chin on the top of her head as one hand fell to the small of her back and the other entangled in her hair, holding her as close as he could manage because he knew this case had hurt her and hit her hard and at the end of any other heavy day they would've gone back to their place and pulled out two bottles of beer from the fridge and ordered a ridiculously large half cheese and half supreme pizza because he was a stickler for the simple stuff and she had always been more adventurous when it came to toppings and he didn't have the heart to tell her no and he was sure that that was never going to change. He let his lips drift softly across the top of her head because at this point who the hell really knew what the two of them were doing and to hell with his birthday because all he really wanted to do was curl up on the couch with her in one of his old henleys with a pan of those fast bake chocolate chip cookies between the two of them because that's truly all she could probably manage to cook without giving him salmonella poisoning and that suddenly sounded a hell of a lot better than getting drunk with the guys.

Erin pulled away from him then, hastily swiping at the still falling tears and managing a tight smile and it killed him a little inside seeing her try to get it back together and truth be told she missed the warmth of him the instant she pulled away but knew she needed to do this because he was still crashing at Will's and every once and while when it got hard and her pile of pillows weren't enough of a comfort she still slept in a shirt that smelled like him as if that was equivalent to his arms wrapped around her and the sound of his steady heartbeat.

"I'll see ya, Jay."

And there it was again. The 'I'll see you' rather than 'I'll see you at home' and that tiny discrepancy hurt him far worse than it should have considering he had been the one to walk away from that home and her. He only managed a nod, running a hand down his chin in defeat and giving her the flick of his wrist in a wave before heading back inside Molly's to his party and his friends and tried to wash away the image of the tears he had seen falling freely down her face with a swig of that damn bottle of expensive liquor.

Erin didn't even make it into the bedroom, shrugging out of her jacket and out of her boots near the front door because actually putting things away in this place had been more of a Jay thing before wandering over to the living room, welcoming the comfort of the cushions and the pillows and the pointless television program playing background noise as her eyes drifted closed because she actually was exhausted and defeated and unconsciousness had been her sweetest escape as of late. But then there was a sound of a key turning in her lock and she froze right then and there on the couch because only two people had a key to her place and one was most certainly still at the district and she'd just left the other at Molly's but when her gaze fell on his stupid little smirk and his flawless blue eyes she scooted over on the couch without a word or a question and pulled down a blanket for the both of them to share because they'd done this a million times before and sure enough he came, pulling her to him once again and tangling their fingers together and she thought about asking him what in the hell he was doing here but she was deathly afraid he would get up and leave her and it'd been weeks since he'd been in this apartment and right now she needed him here, right next to her and then maybe she could figure out how to forgive herself and maybe she could finally ask him about the support group because it'd been killing her that she didn't know about that new part of his life.

"Want to order a pizza?" Her gaze flickered up to him at his question and Jay was looking right back at her, smiling from ear to ear and it was right then she decided that that grin was her favorite thing in this entire world and maybe, just maybe the two of them could be okay after all.


End file.
